Ashcroft Announces Sky is Blue
In a stunning development, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the sky was blue.
“Every American must know this information,” Ashcroft said on Fox News Sunday. “People must realize what the normal hue of the sky is, so they can determine when storm systems are posing a danger to them.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge warned on ABC’s This Week what to do in the event a “storm system” arose.
“The most important thing is to know a storm is swirling
overhead, but don’t let that affect your normal life… To help citizens prepare
for a storm, we’ve devised warnings that tell people when an angry weather
system might be on the way. Blue, obviously enough, means blue skies, clearly nothing to worry about. Yellow means rain and perhaps lightning are coming; this is mainly a threat to golfers, swimmers, and other objects of God’s wrath. The highest alert, Red, means everyone will die painfully in a horrifying miasma of electricity and wind.
“Again, don’t let storms overly concern you. Go about your life as always.”
Some lawmakers objected to Ridge’s new warning guide, calling it “unclear.”
“This is a mockery of the good work Americans expect of government!” bellowed Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts from his Senate desk. “So, Red is an indicator I’m going to die. What does that mean? Does it mean I’m in danger? I have no idea, and I don’t think the common American will, either. (Of course, I’m a rich plutocrat with no connection to the average person, but that’s a minor detail.)”
One of the Senate’s most prominent new personalities, Hillary Clinton of New York, minced no words about Ridge’s guide, either: “I think this is terrible. How can I serve my master the Lord Satan if this government seeks to end suffering? We should devote more energy towards bringing the efficiency and competence of government to the health care system.”
The Republican President George W. Bush, addressing an attentive
audience of 
cows, shrugged off Congressional doubts about his administration’s plans. “Americans need to know the sky is orange… er, blue… no, orange... and we need a way to tell them when the sky might not be orange. And when the sky have at longs last ceased being orange, Americans must be able to recognize it, and they must know what to does about it. Those will be my legacy to the American people: the ability to tell what color the skies is… wait, was. What color the skies was, whenever they look down. They should know.”
Pursuant to the administration’s objectives in the War on Thunder, as Bush has called it, Ashcroft told NBC’s Tim Russert of Meet the Press he would seize unprecedented law enforcement power. “In addition to preparing for storms and dealing with their aftereffects, we must interrogate and execute the vile weathermen who send them at us. I have no evidence these weathermen are collaborating with the storms, but every non-treasonous American knows weathermen are behind the carnage. They study weather for their degrees, for Almighty God’s sake!”
“And what of weatherwomen?” asked Russert.
“Oh, so long as they wear five pants and five sweaters, they’re fine,” replied Ashcroft. “I’m just after men. I want to hurt them. Particularly Roker.”
